


All My Fault

by LittleLadyLazarus



Series: Spinning [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Depression, Derogatory Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 09:03:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4385888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLadyLazarus/pseuds/LittleLadyLazarus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Alexander?” Magnus said from the other side of the line.<br/>“Hi.”<br/>“Are you okay? I’m in the middle of a –”<br/>“Magnus, I did something bad.”<br/>There was a few seconds of silence. “...Have you been crying?”<br/>“I did something I shouldn’t have done. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.”<br/>It wasn’t like his Shadowhunter to be scared, or at least not to admit he was scared, so Magnus’ next words were tinged with thinly veiled fear themselves. “What did you do, Alec?”<br/>***<br/>Alec has only been home from Idris for a few days. On a Sunday afternoon he finds one of Max's comic books and is sent into a panic attack. He flees the Institute for the safety of Magnus' empty apartment, with only the voices in his head for company. He reverts back to his nasty old habits, but he knows that if anyone can save him it will be his Warlock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All My Fault

Alexander Lightwood was tall, with dark hair and bright eyes and a personality to top off the jealousy of Magnus’ friends. And the Shadowhunter wanted it to stay that way.  
Unfortunately, things were getting more on edge recently. His parents weren’t thrilled about Alec kissing Magnus in front of everyone. And Max was gone. And Alec was, dare he say it, afraid.  
He wasn’t supposed to be afraid. He was supposed to be strong and brave and take care of Izzy and Jace and keep fighting.  
He was just. So. Tired.  
It was a lazy Sunday afternoon a few days after they got back to New York. Alec had tried, he had tried so very hard to walk around the Institute and go about life as normal, but it was that Sunday afternoon that he found one of Max’s comic books scattered among the books in languages the dead boy hadn’t even learned yet. He felt his breath catch and collapsed into a chair. He thought about the scars on his hips and felt his mind slip into a dark place he hadn’t been to in so long.  
“No, no, no,” he whimpered to himself, standing up from the chair and running a hand through his messy black hair. “No...”  
He stumbled back to his bedroom to grab his coat, his dagger, his stele and his cell phone, before hurrying out of the Institute. He passed Izzy in the hallway, coming out of her bedroom where he assumed she had just woken up, but flew passed her without even a hello.  
Outside the Institute his mind was already swirling.  
_Blood... “faggot”... my fault... Max... my fault... “fag”... “Robert, he’s our son!”... “No son of mine!”... blood... scars... cuts... so easy... no need... breathe... no... my fault, all my fault... you have the dagger, use it... “disgrace to the name of Lightwood”... all my fault..._  
The world was spinning. He felt like he might puke, or pass out. His legs were numb, his hands were numb, he wasn’t sure where he was...  
He tried to pace his breathing, didn’t want to draw attention from any passersby. He started moving, walking, just trying to get away. It wasn’t long before he found himself at Magnus’ apartment. He hit his fist against the door and called out Magnus’ name. After a few minutes he decided the warlock was either very much asleep, or had gone out. Lip quivering, Alec reached into the pocket of his jeans and felt around to try to find the key Magnus had give him. Thankful when he felt the cold metal in his hand, he pulled it out and shoved it into the lock. He pushed the door open and then shut again, locking it behind him and letting out a shaky breath as he ripped off his jacket and threw it onto the couch.  
_“Faggot”... you have the dagger... use it... do it, Alexander... you’re a disgrace, a disappointment... your fault... Max is gone... it’s all your fault..._  
Alec dropped his cell phone, keys and stele onto the coffee table, before numbly stumbling to the bathroom, hot tears streaming down his face.  
_All your fault. All your fault. He’s dead and it’s all your fault, Alec. All your fault._  
He shut the bathroom door behind him, turning the lock. He let out another shaky breath and hot tears started trailing down his face. The bathroom was surprisingly normal considering it was Magnus’ house. Plain and white and clean. A toothbrush for Magnus, a toothbrush for Alec, a cabinet that held Magnus’ makeup and hair care products. It was too clean, too organized, not at all like what the warlock normally had. It reminded Alec of the Institute. It reminded Alec of what he was supposed to be and what he wasn’t.  
_You’re a disgrace. That’s what he said. Disgrace to the name of Lightwood. You’re not his son, you’re not his son._  
He removed his shirt, his fingers trailing across the purple scars on his hip.  
_You’re pathetic, confused. You don’t love the warlock. He could never love you. You killed Max. It’s your fault._  
His dagger had been drawn at some point. He could hear his phone ringing in the next room.  
_Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace! YOU KILLED HIM, ALEC! And now you’re breaking their hearts again by loving the Warlock. A real Lightwood – a real Shadowhunter – your father’s son - would never love another man._  
There was blood on his hips, soaking into the top of his boxers and his jeans. His heart was racing, his eyes burning. He gasped and dropped the dagger, a loud clang ricocheting off the tiles as the blade hit the ground. He sunk down to the floor, his back leaning against the bathtub as blood soaked onto the grey floor.  
_You don’t deserve him, anyway. Magnus deserves someone handsome, and strong, not pathetic and weak like you. He doesn’t even need you alive._  
When he was done, he bandaged his hips and pulled his shirt on, his head spinning as he stood up and leaned against the sink. He didn’t want to be done. He wanted to keep going until he didn’t have any more skin. He numbly walked into the living room and picked up his phone. He had five missed calls from Izzy. He unlocked the screen and tapped to call Magnus, taking a deep breath with each ring of the dial tone.  
“Alexander?” Magnus said from the other side of the line.  
“Hi.”  
“Are you okay? I’m in the middle of a –”  
“Magnus, I did something bad.”  
There was a few seconds of silence. “...Have you been crying?”  
“I did something I shouldn’t have done. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.”  
It wasn’t like his Shadowhunter to be scared, or at least not to admit he was scared, so Magnus’ next words were tinged with thinly veiled fear themselves. “What did you do, Alec?”  
“Magnus.”  
“Where are you?”  
“I’m at your apartment. There’s a mess, I’m so sorry.” His words were starting to slur as he sniffled, his feet taking him to Magnus’ bedroom. He kicked off his shoes and lay down on the bed, smelling Magnus’ scent and curling up beneath Magnus’ leopard print bedding.  
Magnus’ heart nearly stopped. “Alexander,” he said, his voice wavering, “I’m going to be right there, okay? Promise me you won’t do anything else until I get there.”  
“Mag—”  
“Promise.”  
“I promise, Magnus.”  
“I’ll be right there. Alec, I love you.”  
“I love you, too, Magnus.” He hung up the phone and set it on the side table, cuddling up against Magnus’ pillow and trying to calm his breathing. Magnus was coming, his Warlock was coming, his Warlock would make everything alright. He would make the voices stop.  
He heard the door to the apartment open and slam shut. Magnus’ voice called his name. The bedroom door was open, but all the lights were off. Magnus must have went into the bathroom, open and lit by the ceiling light, first. “ALEC?!” Magnus practically threw himself into the bedroom, hitting the light switch as he came around the doorway. Alec sniffled, his face buried in the pillow as Magnus crossed the room to sit on the bed next to him. Alec was curled up, holding onto the pillow and the bedding as though it were all that was holding him down to the Earth.  
“Alexander,” Magnus said quietly, petting Alec’s hair. “Alexander, what happened? What did you do? Let me see, please? Please, look at me.”  
Alec took another shaky breath, then sat up to look at Magnus. The warlock’s amber eyes were filled with nothing but worry, looking as though he had feared he had lost his love. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry, I tried.”  
“Shh, I know.” Magnus was still petting Alec’s hair, his other hand reached out to grab Alec’s, their fingers intertwining and locking together. “Can I see what you did?”  
“No.”  
“Please?”  
“No!”  
“Okay, okay. What happened?”  
“Magnus, it’s all my fault.”  
Magnus looked taken aback. “What’s your fault, Alexander?”  
“Max is dead,” Alec mumbled, “Max is dead... my fault... a-a-and Dad... h-he...”  
Alec hadn’t told Magnus about what happened with his father. Robert was staying in Idris for now, so Alec had been trying not to think about it much since he had gotten back to New York.  
“Alexander,” Magnus stopped petting the younger man’s hair and held Alec’s hand with both of his, holding it up to his mouth and kissing it gently, “it was a terrible thing, what happened. It wasn’t your fault. It was nobody’s fault except for Sebastian’s.”  
“I was supposed to protect them. I’m supposed to be strong, Magnus. I’m supposed to... to...” He felt another wave of tears coming, and Magnus shushed him. Magnus wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, returning to petting his hair and rocking ever so slightly on the edge of the bed.  
“It’s going to be okay, Alexander.”  
“Magnus, I can’t stop thinking.”  
“I’m so sorry, love. It’s going to be okay.”  
“I-I... I was going to... I want to ki—”  
“Shh... you’re going to be okay. I promise you, Alexander. I am going to protect you, always.” He swung his legs onto the bed, pulled the covers over himself as well as Alec, and lay down, pulling Alec with him so that he lay in his arms. He gently kissed Alec’s forehead and whispered, “You’re going to be okay, my love.”


End file.
